I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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