I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
