so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
