dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
