he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
