How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
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He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
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I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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