So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
MIDGETS
????
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
