when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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