Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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