I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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