Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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