He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Randomize
