my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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