Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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