so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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