Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
