I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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