i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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