Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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