Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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