I looked at my own cervix.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
