Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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