So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
