I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
