I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
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