Need sex. Gaining weight.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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