Your face is a jimmy john
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
