i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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