I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
love makes seman taste better
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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