He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
