K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.
I'm not gay.
Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?
If ghandi gives good head...I'm in
Its fine.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
