And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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