can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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