We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
