I think I died a long time ago.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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