found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
