i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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