cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
