I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
