I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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