Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
