how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.