I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
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She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
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Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.