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My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
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