I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.