Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke