y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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