you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
