All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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