I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
