Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
