In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
