I'm going to jail i love you
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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