His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
