Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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