I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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