do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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