She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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