How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
