kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
