u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
