At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
