this beer tastes like vomit already
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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